Saturday, November 30, 2002

Wow, just reread what I wrote...I'm quite sure I wouldn't have the energy to read all that, if I were someone else. In fact, I didn't have the energy to reread all of it, whilst not being someone else.

Yet, tomorrow I will add some more misery. If only to cheer others up. After all, nothing is more depressing than hearing people tell how jolly life is, how busy they are, etc. is it? I certainly wish them well, but they depress me profoundly. Was never so cheered up as when I read Schopenhauer. (But that's been quite a while - reading philosophy is tiring, reading German is tiring, and doing both at the same time is - well, just too much. I am, as I'm sure you fellow-sufferers are, too, almost always tired.)
I was more or less happy, a moment ago. Strange, I know. But it occurs from time to time. In the past months at an average of....once a week, I suppose. Maybe more. But it is always very brief. A minor anxiety of mine was allayed, and for a moment it felt as if life looked ok. Then: the feeling passed, and I am anxiety-ridden again, and have that slight but always-present headache.

My life is as good as it has ever been. Most of my years have been so hellish, that I should be very grateful that circumstances are rather good, now - and incredibly good compared to the past. And I am. I am grateful. In fact I have a deep, primal fear that some God (in Whom I don't believe, but that will only enrage Him the more, of course) will throw me back in the hell of old. I live in fear of that, and it makes it almost impossible to enjoy the good that there is, now. But I wouldn't have been able to enjoy it, anyway, would I? Good circumstances are certainly helpful, but they cannot do all - the malfunctioning mind creates its own dark experiences, ever.

Of course, Other People don't understand this. Mind you - I am not writing this blog for Other People. I write it for the likes of me. I know there are those. And we have suffered at the coarse, insensitive hands of Other People always. To hell with them.

What Other People think is that we put distructive or otherwise painful thoughts in our head, and that we should 'just' stop doing that. Then we will be Like Them, and therefore fine. All a matter of handling life the right way! THEY do. We not - we handle it very stupidly, which is why we suffer. And that means, of course, that They merit their good lives, just as we merit our suffering.

Delightfully simple view, that. But that is what people think. To some degree they have a point - only a very little one, of course. Thoughts are indeed changeable. For 'I am a total idiot, who will never amount to anything' one can substitute 'I am great, I love myself madly'. And yes, that is better. But is that the end of the story? Are we, sufferers, really silly people who are so irrational as to think thoughts that make us suffer, though we could easily do differently?

That is what shrinks would have us believe. And more so, what our friends who have been seeing shrinks never tire of telling us. I find that very taxing, personally. People who are doing a little better than they used to do (or sometimes not even that...) can be so very insistent, in fact pushy, about making us see The Light, too. I remember an instance of about two years ago. When I was in my very deepest pit of suffering. In my case, that's really saying something...

I will not tell all about that time, now. Frankly, going back there in thought is not an extreme pleasure. But how well I remember sitting in my house, and my best friend Anna telling me that I was only afraid because I was thinking the wrong things. She kept at me - I know, she meant well. But by God. I was in terror. Sheer terror. Was all, according to her, because I didn't think the right things - if only I could do what she did, none of this would be happening.

At that time, I would wake up in the night, sweating for acute fear. If I had managed to fall asleep at all, that is....I have never experienced fear as crushing and total as at that time. It was so awful, that I am now going to stop thinking about it. Besides which, I am going to have dinner. (At the time I speak of, I could hardly eat. Things better now, thank Jehovah...)

Only starting out, today. Will busy myself with placing a comment box first. And after that, I will of course be too tired to do anything else.